Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
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