I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
