I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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