Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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