Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
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