i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
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he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
you told grandpa to call you daddy
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
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I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
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