My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
