I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Randomize
