11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
how does that bad decision feel?
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
