11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Randomize
