I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Randomize
