i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
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