i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
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