literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize
