I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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