using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
