i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Randomize
