Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
Randomize
