Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
So yes, he's hot, a scorpio, an artist and a perfect cock. I think my bi train just arrived in gay town.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
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