Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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