My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Randomize
