she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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