it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
Randomize
