Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
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