This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
