sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
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She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
All I want is dick and wine.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
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