i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
We had to coat check the pizza.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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