just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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