I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Randomize
