never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
