Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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