so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
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