if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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