Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Randomize
