Dude you don't even follow my twitter
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad