my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I find it funny that "sexual harassment" contains the phrase "ass sex". Let me know what your thoughts are on the matter.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Your cock deserves a montage
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?