4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Randomize
