i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
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