I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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