you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
