He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Randomize
