just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
