wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
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