I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Randomize
