your parents love me but you hate me
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
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And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
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what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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