i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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