I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
