dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Randomize
