im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
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