Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
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