dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
