I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
