on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Randomize
