Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
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So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
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If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize