Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Randomize
