Umm I'm too high to move.
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
When did angry sex become our thing?
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
