You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
